The Truth About Comparing Adoption and Bio-Birth

Watching Maggie go through labor and delivery was the most terrifying thing that I have ever done…

The joy that came when it was over though, in the form of a little bundle of crying, pooping, eating, and sleeping, was worth every ounce of fear, anguish, and physical exhaustion (obviously I cannot speak from a woman’s viewpoint). I had several of my friends who have been through childbirth with their wives call me to discuss some of the feelings and emotions that are invoked. They said things like “There’s really nothing like it is there?” And, “What a miracle childbirth is!” And after further reflection about our 37 hours of labor and delivery, I totally agree. 

Now, I have to admit that when I was heading into this experience, I was actively thinking that there could be nothing as special as Grady and our adoption experience.

I found myself thinking, “I really hope Han is as special to me as Grady. After all Grady and I have been through together, it is going to be hard for another child to have as deep a place in my heart as Grady does.” Well, it only took minutes (maybe seconds) after Han had been born to realize that this was, simply put, ignorance on my behalf.

The truth is that for me, adopting Grady was the hardest thing I have ever been through in my life. Those airplane rides, and that 6 hour layover in the Frankfurt airport really showed me the meaning of agape love. And the months following at home with Grady were similarly extremely difficult for me, maybe more (I will post something on here at some point describing all this). And because of how adoption is treated and misunderstood, some of the insanely insensitive comments I have received about adoption, and the general pride there is in having a baby from some mothers, I subconsciously or possibly consciously wanted adopting to be better, more special, and more Godly than bio-birth.

Well guess what. It’s not. And guess what. It doesn’t work the other way either. Bio is not better than adoption. 

The overwhelming feelings that I have had about our family now is that both of these children have been my sons from the beginning of time. Both of these boys were divinely planned to be Turners. Both of them were chosen to be children to Maggie and me, brothers to each other, co-owners of 2 incredibly annoying and loving dogs, and eventually Georgia Tech Yellow Jacket fans. God exists outside of time. Actually time, is incredibly feeble to God. It cannot exist without space, and we can only experience it in one direction. And God has just been saying to me over and over again, like the line in Juno, these 2 boys were always mine. 

So the question for me is really why did I feel the need to compare, to make sure that I knew and let everyone else know which method of having a family is better. And I think the answer to this is the aforementioned idea that I held onto – ignorance. I had no idea what to expect with Han. I already knew how special and miraculous adoption is. I had no idea though just how special and miraculous childbirth is. But ignorance in my life and in the lives of others compelled me for 9 months. 

The truth about comparing adoption and bio-birth: there is no legitimate comparing of the 2.

It would be like trying to compare apples to cigarettes. Just can’t be done. Both are the pinnacle examples of love, hard work, Godliness, beauty, the miraculous. One is not better than the other. One is not more beautiful than the other. For me, adoption was harder, and I know that for Maggie childbirth was harder. I think the moral of the story is that ignorance is o.k., and actually it may be unavoidable. We are just not going to be able to understand everything. But when we act and make judgments and form opinions based upon our own ignorance, that is when the damage is done. If there is something that you do not understand, fight to understand it before condemning it or pronouncing one way better than another. Our call is not to do damage, but to be unified, be mature, and attain to the measure of the fullness of Christ.